The Spanish Inquisition
by Street Preaching Maniac
Summary: The Order of Hellsing Knights receives an unprecedented invasion by the Spanish Inquisition. SPM, proving that anything can be parodied with anything.


_Author note  
Okay I have to say, Monty Python is possible THE greatest sketch show of all time. But nothing comes closer in reference to Hellsing (my ever growing obsession) than the Spanish Inquisition!_

**And now for something completely different…yet again…**

Seras charged in to Integra's office, interrupting her silent contemplation.

"Trouble at the soldiers' quarters!"

"Oh…what kind of trouble?"

"One of the harkonnen storage cross beams has gone askew at the join."

"…What does that mean?"

"Urm…I don't know. I was just told to tell you that there is trouble at the soldiers' quarters…I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition."

A loud chord jarred the air as Adam, Tom and Phil burst in dressed in red cardinal's outfits with false beards and moustaches.

Tom proclaimed loudly, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise...Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency...Our _three_ weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our _four_...no... _Amongst_ our weapons... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise... I'll come in again."

Tom bundled the cardinals out the door.

Seras looked completely confused, "…I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition."

The jarring chord hit again and the cardinals burst in.

"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!"

Tom turned to Phil, "Okay Cardinal Biggles…"

"Phil, Cardinal Ximinez."

"Whoever you are, you'll have to say the bit about our chief weapons."

Phil looked comically horrified, "I couldn't do that!"

Cardinal Ximinez bundled the cardinals out of the door again.

Seras repeated again, "….I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition."

Jarring chord again, enter the cardinals.

Cardinal (Biggles) Phil spoke this time, "Erm...nobody...um"

"Expects…"

"Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um..."

"Inquisition."

"Right. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those…"

"Our chief weapons are…"

"Our chief weapons are…um…er…"

"Surprise…"

"Surprise and…"

"Okay stop. Stop there. Phew…Our chief weapons are surprise, blah, blah, blah. Read the charges, Cardinal Fang."

Adam unrolled a scroll and began, "You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--'"

Biggles interrupted, "That's enough."

Ximinez continued, "How do you plead?"

Seras and Integra were completely bewildered at this point. Integra's cigar had rolled out of her mouth as she sat in total disbelief.

Seras spoke, "Umm…..Innocent?"

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

(DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER)

"We'll soon change your mind about that…"

As they smiled maniacally at the two, they turned round and looked up several feet to see Alucard watching over them. He was not glaring or grinning evilly but they were more than shocked.

The cardinals froze completely, Cardinal Tom spoke quietly and contained, "Well….cardinals….um…it would appear that….um…nyaaaah!"

The cardinals screamed in terror before charging off through the door and vanishing out of sight.

Alucard strolled over to Integra, still frozen in disbelief, while Seras had fallen on the floor in laughter.

"Is there any point in asking…?"

"No, Alucard…not really. Somehow eternal damnation wouldn't really be punishment for those people…"

- - -

The Cardinals appeared to be rushing out of the front door of an ordinary terrace house. They charged down the path to the bus stop and hurriedly bundled into the bus.

"ADV Films Studio please!"

They sat down at the back of the bus, gasping for breath.

"Right, we don't have much time…Hurry up will you! We're churchmen! Ignore the speed limit!"

"Oh no they're already onto the credits…Hey Alucard has the same voice actor as that guy in Cowboy Bebop!"

"Hurry up damn it! If we don't make it you'll….burn in the fires of hell!"

"Oh crap there's the preview…who is that floating sumo guy anyway?"

The bus screeched to a halt outside the studio and the Cardinals charged out and inside the building.

The preview was reaching conclusion as they burst in triumphantly.

Cardinal Tom proclaimed, "NOBODY expects the…Oh bugger!"

The sound of footsteps was heard as they walked out of the studio, "You know this is all your fault, Cardinal Biggles!"

"Stop calling me that!"


End file.
